Poor Schmooples
by Natmonkey
Summary: Leliana can't find Schmooples anywhere. But wait, what's that on Oghren's plate?


_A little something to go with a drawing I made of Oghren. Partially inspired by the wonderful Carchs._

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Leliana can't find her beloved Schmooples. She's looked high, she's looked low, she's looked everywhere she can think of. The animal simply is nowhere to be found. "Schmooples?" the bard calls her pet, against her better judgment. "Where are you, my little bunny-pig?" A little distance away, she spots Oghren. Seeing how dwarves live with nugs almost all the time, she figures he might give her a pointer or two about where she might find Schmooples.

Oghren is almost drooling with anticipation. Sure, it's a bit of a downer the elderly mage is making him wear a napkin around his neck and making him use cutlery, but this is still an unexpected, wonderful treat. The smell that comes drifting off his dinner is insanely appetizing. The dwarf brings his knife down on the back and hears a satisfying _crack_ when the skin breaks. Golden brown and crunchy – the creature has been cooked to perfection. Even though they are his favourite part, Oghren can't wait to snap off an ear. A gorgeously crunchy ear. He is just about to chomp down on it, when he hears a shocked gasp.

"Oghren!" Tears fill Leliana's eyes. "_How could you?_" There on Oghren's plate lies a nug, dead as can be and with a tiny apple stuffed between its jaws. Poor Schmooples.

"What are you talking about?" The dwarf looks up from his dinner. "How could I what?" His gaze is hopelessly puzzled as he looks at the bard, who appears to be on the breaking point for some reason or other.

Leliana bursts into tears. "How can you even ask that?" Racked with sobs, she runs off. Thoughts of happy days and cuddles with Schmooples tumble through her mind. Happy days and cuddles that will never happen again.

"Women." Oghren rolls his eyes and devours the entire ear in one bite. After such a long time, the taste is even better than he remembers it. He can't be too bothered with Leliana's bizarre outburst. How could he be, with his delicious nug to distract him?

Sten is stroking Schmooples' velvety back. "You are a good nug, yes, you are," he coos, his deep voice unusually kind and doting. "Who is a good nug?" Sten would like to think that if Schmooples could talk, he would give the proper reply. There is nothing he likes more – besides more masculine activities like sword fighting and staring down the foolish Wardens with stony stares – than lavishing his attention on sweet, cuddly animals. The giant is just about to compliment the nug on his soft skin, when he spots Leliana's impending arrival. The wide smile on his face instantly disappears, to be replaced with his ever present stoic expression.

Is that…? Could it really…? Leliana's heart is flooded with relief as she sees Schmooples safely sitting with Sten. "Oh, here you are!" She picks up her beloved pet and hugs him to her chest. "My sweet little bunny-pig!"

"I was preparing him for battle," the Qunari deadpans.

Leliana giggles sweetly. "Of course you were, softie. Please tell me next time when you take him though, would you?" She sighs. "I saw Oghren eating a nug and I thought..." She should really apologize to him for jumping to nasty conclusions like that.

"The Wardens bought that for him off the dwarven merchant we encountered yesterday." Sten himself has bought a lovely painting of the Rebel Queen in the heat of battle, that he will hang on his wall as soon as he is back home.

"I see." The bard safely clutches Schmooples in her arms. "Thank you for training him." While she makes her way back to Oghren, Leliana hugs her beloved pet and tells him how much she loves him and how he will always be safe with her. Schmooples twitches with joy at all the affection. First that odd giant's attentions and now this! Such good pettings, such nice things she says. He loves his owner with all his little heart. Not all of her companions enjoy the same esteem, though. Especially that _dwarf_.

Said dwarf is slumped back and rubbing his belly with delight. He burps shamelessly. Of his dinner, nothing is left but a perfectly clean skeleton and a tiny apple core. "Aaah..." Oghren grins under his moustache, picking bits from between his teeth with his fingers.

"I must apologize for my behaviour, Oghren." Leliana smiles at him, unconsciously hugging her nug just a bit tighter. "I thought that was Schmooples you were eating."

"You thought _what_?" huffs the dwarf. "I'd never do that to you!"

_Is that so?_ Schmooples narrows his eyes as he looks at the skeleton on Oghren's plate. Too many of his fellow nugs have been hunted and eaten by those filthy dwarf-creatures. No more. No more! Listening with half an ear to the conversation between his beloved owner and the foul dwarf, Schmooples the nug quietly plots his revenge.

**Epilogue**

Oghren has developed a habit of tripping lately. Everybody blames it on his drinking; he's not so sure though. Once again the dwarf is face down on the ground, spitting out clumps of dirt and grass. He looks back to find that sodding nug at his feet. "Leliana!" he bellows. "Get your stupid beast away from me!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Oghren." The bard picks her pet up, where he happily nestles himself into her soft bosom. "I will make sure Schmooples doesn't get underfoot again."

Inwardly, Schmooples laughs in a maniacal manner as he witnesses his dwarven nemesis struggle to his feet. _This is only the beginning._


End file.
